Life happens, and has its own way to make us learn our lessons.
As a life coach, I come across people who keep wondering, what went wrong in their relationship with friends, parents, brothers, lovers, kids and with themselves.
On Facebook, every day I see status updates about, deceit, heartbreaks, silence, anger and struggle. We all know all these emotions are result of having expectations. We say we do not expect much however we without fail have certain expectations from others. Though the people we have expectations from might be totally alien to them.
A few weeks back, I met a client, a lady in her forties, totally independent. She was struggling to strike a balance in her personal life, specially with her hubby. I asked her what her core disappointments were. As on a surface they looked like a perfect couple. They are known as best friends and most liberal couple in their circle. She is like an ideal wife and a mom. However she wasn’t receiving what she wanted from the relationship. She told me that she married Vikram for his calm and non interfering nature as she always felt threatened by aggression. Post few sessions, we spoke about her grand father and father being very dominating. So she wanted someone who was soft and gave space to individual choices. On her way to successful career, Vikram was not only supportive but also complemented her by giving her her individual space by not imposing his choices and decisions on her.. …She had had a great marriage until her needs changed. She has been there done it all, so now, she wants Vikram to be involved and expressive about his opinions with her.
Almost a year back, I had invented a theory, the NOODLE – DOSA Theory. I am all smiles at this junction and where as you all must be ready to bang your heads that How come a serious relationship issue can be dealt with Noodle And Dosa … !!!
I have a simple question ~ When you go to a chinese restaurant, pick the menu and order from Iit, what you get is what you order. So you come out happy and satisfied.
However imagine on one fine day, you go to the same restaurant and without looking at the menu, you order DOSA. The person who is taking your order looks at you wondering if you have lost it. As you are expecting him to serve something that’s not in the menu. When he refuses to acknowledge your need, you throw a tantrum and walk out. You keep going to the same restaurant again and again, with new need. And like always your need get rejected and leaves you utterly frustrated and totally dissatisfied and you keep wondering Why can’t they make DOSA as its simpler then CHINESE?
Most of you will be thinking, how dumb! why would a person go to Chinese specialty restaurant and order Dosa or anything that’s not on the menu.
Well we all do something similar in our relationships.
With time our expectations from our near and dear ones changes, and we go on expecting without even understanding whether the person is empowered enough to fulfill it.
And at times we push the envelope so far that we don’t even feel the need to communicate our new needs, demands, expectations And assume the other person understands it and will/should fulfill it.
So what do we need to do?
Firstly we need to understand what the other person is capable of giving.
And if our expectation is outside the zone of that person then we have to enable him/her first to meet our new needs.
And the best way to do that is thru communicating.
Communicate And Explain Your Expectations And Understand How Much That Person Can Accommodate It With His/Her Limitations.
So stop wondering what went wrong and start fixing your needs and expectations
By either asking what the person has within him to give or by empower him with the same feelings that you want with loads of patience, love and understanding.
rakhisoftasharma 